Earlier this month, actress Maria Bello published a fascinating article in the New York Times about her "modern" family. I found it fascinating not because she has outed herself as bisexual (the sort of thing that really isn't as big a deal as the media thinks it is anymore), but because of her musings about the word "partner" and her inclusive definition of her family.
My own family, while not as far from the traditional setup as Ms. Bello's, is unusual. I live with my ex-wife and our two sons. My ex-wife and I get along quite well as friends and complement one another's parenting styles. We work together as co-parents, and we are also good friends. I care about her not only because she is my sons' mother, but because of who she is as a human being. We did not work as husband and wife for a variety of reasons, but as friends and partners-in-parenting, we work rather splendidly.
However, I have had a hard time defining my relationship to my ex-wife in ways that people can understand. When I say that I live with my ex-wife, people assume that either we live together strictly out of financial necessity, or that we are still together (i.e., sleeping together). While finances are certainly a factor in our living together, our children's special needs are also part of the equation, and I believe our friendship factors in as well. Our relationship has been platonic for so long now that sometimes I find it odd to think that we were once married. The awkwardness of the shift is gone, except for when I need to explain it to others.
My ex-wife and I have both dated other people (although, to be honest, living with your ex puts quite a damper on that part of life), and we have both moved on romantically. We get along far better than we did when we were married. I'm so glad to have her as my sons' mother. We do things together as a family, and it really does feel like a family, even if the mom and the dad are separate from one another.
Reading Ms. Bello's article made me feel good about my own situation. It can be a pretty lonely one, generating odd looks and occasional scorn from people. But it feels right, and despite some of the drawbacks, it has mostly worked well.
...wherein one man's delusions of profundity are communicated to the world.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Safety Not First
As a parent, I obviously care deeply about the welfare of my children. I do not want them to get hurt, and it bothers me greatly to see them in any kind of pain. I try to keep them out of harm's way in order to avoid such things.
However, I also realize that pain is a necessary part of life, and that it teaches and informs us. To withhold it entirely from my children would be to deprive them of important lessons. Now, this doesn't mean I pull out whips and chains and beat the kids to teach them or anything nearly so psychotic. No, I don't advocate inflicting pain on children. But I do advocate letting them experience it as a result of their actions. I do advocate allowing them to enter into situations where they might be mildly hurt, situations involving some level of risk or failure, in order to teach them how to deal with pain and failure.
This is an opinion I hold that seems to be at odds with many (maybe most) parents I have met. I let my kids ride their scooters without protective gear, for instance, which some parents would say is irresponsible. However, my kids have learned how to be a lot more careful and mindful of their actions while riding their scooters than I think they otherwise might have been. My older son, who was quite reckless and willing to charge head first into walls as a toddler, now has a pretty good understanding that if he does things like that, it will hurt.
Maybe you're reading this and thinking, well of course pain teaches lessons, but a parent's role is to make sure his child is safe until the child is able to do so for himself. To a degree, this is true, but I believe a more important role for a parent is to teach his child to reach that level. It must be a balance. You can't stick your kid in the wilderness and tell him to fend for himself without guiding him and training him first. But you also can't expect him to learn how to fend for himself if you keep him tucked away in safety.
It is difficult, as a parent, to let your child walk into a situation that you know is dangerous, but I believe that just as a parent must be aware of when the risk is too great for the child, he must also know when the risk is work taking. Far too often, parents err on the side of caution. That is the better side to err on, but it is still an error, and we should work to correct our errors.
However, I also realize that pain is a necessary part of life, and that it teaches and informs us. To withhold it entirely from my children would be to deprive them of important lessons. Now, this doesn't mean I pull out whips and chains and beat the kids to teach them or anything nearly so psychotic. No, I don't advocate inflicting pain on children. But I do advocate letting them experience it as a result of their actions. I do advocate allowing them to enter into situations where they might be mildly hurt, situations involving some level of risk or failure, in order to teach them how to deal with pain and failure.
This is an opinion I hold that seems to be at odds with many (maybe most) parents I have met. I let my kids ride their scooters without protective gear, for instance, which some parents would say is irresponsible. However, my kids have learned how to be a lot more careful and mindful of their actions while riding their scooters than I think they otherwise might have been. My older son, who was quite reckless and willing to charge head first into walls as a toddler, now has a pretty good understanding that if he does things like that, it will hurt.
Maybe you're reading this and thinking, well of course pain teaches lessons, but a parent's role is to make sure his child is safe until the child is able to do so for himself. To a degree, this is true, but I believe a more important role for a parent is to teach his child to reach that level. It must be a balance. You can't stick your kid in the wilderness and tell him to fend for himself without guiding him and training him first. But you also can't expect him to learn how to fend for himself if you keep him tucked away in safety.
It is difficult, as a parent, to let your child walk into a situation that you know is dangerous, but I believe that just as a parent must be aware of when the risk is too great for the child, he must also know when the risk is work taking. Far too often, parents err on the side of caution. That is the better side to err on, but it is still an error, and we should work to correct our errors.
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